Dear Diary,

It’s been five months of doing this single mom thing. I don’t know how I’ve been doing it but I’ve been doing it. Everyday I wake up and see my children beside me, in the house I paid rent for, I thank God once again. Indeed, onye dị ndụ gbara first (he who has life has won already).

The first month was extremely tough on me and I fell ill. My mom had to come and take care of the kids while I recovered. I didn’t have the luxury of being depressed about how everything went with Dozie. He still hasn’t relented on his promise of not taking care of his children – as a way to punish me for ever mentioning divorce to him. Since then, I haven’t heard from him and he hasn’t replied the church about our divorce proceedings. I let them know there is no room for reconciliation. We never had a court wedding and now, I am somehow grateful for that. Where would I have gotten the money for such proceedings?

There was too much work to do. My children needed to be fed, clothed, and sent to school. I also had to start saving for next year’s rent. There was simply no room for depression or suicidal thoughts.

Am I sad? I don’t know. I can’t find words for the emotions I constantly battle and repress but the foremost and palpable one is fear. I am very scared of not being able to take care of my children. This fear pushes me to focus on what needs to be done instead of dwelling on what I lost. Some nights, I stay awake to think of possible ways to make more money for them. I have already maxed out any possible man-hours but I keep racking my brain to see if there are any unexplored options to get money for the bills that relentlessly need to be paid. Most times, I just give up and pray. Other times, I cry about my life and what it has become, but the morning after always seems better. So, I look forward to the mornings. Since we have survived till now, we will continue surviving and even thrive one day.

Am I angry? Of course! I nurse a raging anger at the world I live in. Sometimes, I try to focus my anger on Dozie, but I can’t hold it there for long. He is dead to me. That is the only way I am able to cope with him abandoning his children. Only a dead man can abdicate his fatherly duties to his children. My anger with the world is because we live in a society that makes it easy for men like him to do the things he did and still live without consequences.

My divorce opened me up to the grave injustices meted out to women under the guise of marriage. Before now, I was mostly ignorant of this part of our social construct. You can’t even complain. They tell you it is the same everywhere. And truly, it is (or so it seems). Still-in-marriage and out-of-marriage men and women willingly share their stories with me these days. The stories I have heard from women make me wonder what it is about marriage that makes us willing to self-sabotage in the name of remaining married and being seen as submissive.

I try not to judge people harshly, but there must be something inherently wrong with the way girls are brought up, to make a grown woman throw away her dignity and sometimes, sense of self for a union that serves her no purpose other than the perceived respectability of marriage. Sadly, society expects and honours this behaviour. The mark of long suffering equals being a good wife that gives her husband peace.

Perhaps, I shall share some of these stories in the coming episodes – with the permission of the owners, and anonymously or changed names.

In the meantime, I am writing this on a Saturday. My to-do list is practically free because I paid Onyinye (my children’s nanny) to work this weekend. I have been feeling burnt out from balancing full-time mummy duties on weekends and a 9-5 on weekdays. To avoid falling terribly ill again, I negotiated overtime with her. I don’t know how long this arrangement will last before I can no longer afford her. For now, I will just enjoy the respite.

Last night, I had a long call with an old flame – Benard. Ben was my crush way before I met my ex-husband. I thought those feelings were gone until he reached out to me last night. He heard about my divorce from a mutual friend. For months I have kept my no-longer-married status under wraps. Aside from a couple of friends and immediate family, only a few persons outside my circle know about it. I still want to keep it that way for as long as possible.

So far, my experience as a divorced woman with children has lived up to certain expectations. Before I made up my mind to divorce my ex-husband, I knew what the realities are for a divorcee and single motherhood. Nevertheless, there have been a few surprises.

Lemme go back to my call with Ben. So last night, Ben called, after six years of no contact. I intentionally blocked him on all social media platforms because the man had an unnatural effect on me. Irrespective of the blocking, I still got vague insights into his life from our mutual friends in school.

The essence of his call, aside from expressing his sadness about my current situation, was to let me know that he still fancied me for a romantic relationship, children and all. I know I have been ranting about marriages and how bad they are for women. I have even told my mother to never mention marrying again or suitors to me. But I still believe in love- the tender kind that makes your heart skip beats and turns your head upside down when you’re in the same space. I know I will find that kind of love again, but I have lost the ability to be carefree with my heart. Who wouldn’t, after what I have been through?

Ah! Men have burned me in this life. Yes, Dozie was my first love but there were a lot of almosts before him, and Ben was one of them. Unfortunately, those feelings I had for him are still there, bubbling to the top just after one conversation in so many years. He even promised to call again tonight and I find myself waiting for his call. It must be foolishness, this wanting to give your heart to someone else when you’re not yet out of a soul-crushing heartbreak. But then again, there might be some truth in using a new love to replace an old one.

I will not lie, part of why I am willing to think about another man amorously, so soon, is because I know Dozie is happily enjoying his new bachelorhood with a new woman. His women are still countless and now, he is no longer bound by the chains of marriage. So, it is good that Ben is offering himself as a replacement therapy for my broken heart. There is selfishness in my decision.

I hope to let you know how it goes sooner than later.


Till I pick my pen again,

Ya diba!